Step 5: Forgive Others

“I think the hardest thing in life is to forgive. Hate is self-destructive. If you hate somebody, you’re not hurting the person you hate, you’re hurting yourself. It’s a healing, actually, it’s a real healing…forgiveness.” Louis Zamperini

For many people, this is the step that causes them the most difficulty. Even if they have managed to forgive themselves, forgiving the one who caused them such hurt is a monumental step. Often, our hearts wish pain and suffering on those who have hurt us. Our hearts cry out for retribution and justice.

This is human and understandable.

Unfortunately, these feelings will not allow us to move forward in our lives. Our desire for retribution torments our own hearts and souls. Only forgiveness releases us, only forgiveness allows us to move forward in our own lives. I understand how hard this step is. I had so much to forgive–my biological parents for abandoning me, my adoptive father for molesting me, my teachers for demeaning me. It wasn’t until I understood that holding on to my desire to punish those who had harmed me was hurting me more than it was hurting them that I was able to move forward.

Perhaps as importantly, how do we actually move forward to forgive? I found the following to be helpful:

1. Sit quietly, meditate, and pray. Meditation is practiced throughout the Bible. It allows you to move deep into your heart and thoughts to better understand your pain; to consider Scriptures that will address what you’re going through. It will open your heart to the wisdom of God, the blessings and benefits of forgiving others. Forgiving others should be based on how Christ so freely forgives us as found in Matthew 6:12 GNT: “If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you.” As you meditate, it’s normal to revisit the source of your hurt. You may cry or become angry or even question God. These are normal reactions. Meditation allows you to revisit your emotions with the goal to release negative emotions. It’s important to know that you may or may not be able to come face-to-face with the person who has wronged you, but your true obligation is to let go of your pain, hate, resentment, and anger so that you can embrace peace. Prayer is also helpful; it allows time to commune with God. It allows us to break down our stubborn will so that we can humbly submit our petition to God for restoration.
2. Let go of the anger. In an article, Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, Karen Swartz, MD of Johns Hopkins Hospital speaks to how unforgiveness can impact the body over time: “Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.” Only forgiveness protects us by releasing that which is destructive to us from lurking within our own hearts.
3. Take the high road. Forgiveness is not weakness but power, the power to heal. It is the power to have compassion not only for ourselves but for the ones who have harmed us. Remember, if there is retribution that is to be had, and if it is justifiable, then God will attend to it. You don’t need to worry about it. Make forgiveness manageable for you. For some, addressing the person who has caused them harm face-to-face is most powerful; for others, writing a letter or some other form of communication is best. Sometimes, as in my case, you can no longer address the person who has hurt you. My offender has died. You should then forgive them through prayer and in your own heart. Forgiveness is for you, find a way to make it happen!